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Postcards
Alexa smoothed down her straight, auburn hair and looked around the restaurant. She was worried he wouldn’t show. As she paced in front of the hostess stand, she pulled the shiny postcard out of her purse and studied his handwriting. Bryan had neatly printed the name of the restaurant on the postcard with a date and time underneath. This was the first time in many years that they would see each other. She wondered why he wanted to see her after all this time.
When Alexa had received the invitation from Bryan she got down the old shoebox of postcards from her closet shelf and went through all of them. The postcards had started about fifteen years ago, shortly after their relationship ended. Alexa was planning a trip to New York and had told Bryan that she would send him a postcard saying, “Wish you were here.” Whenever she said that she didn’t know that things would suddenly end. While in New York, she bought him a postcard, but she didn’t know what to write on it. She wanted to tell him she missed him, but didn’t want to look pathetic. She opted to send the postcard blank, including only his name and address. A few weeks later she got a blank postcard from California. In his handwriting was her name and address. She knew he was taking a business trip there and was delighted to hear from him. She had wanted to call him and tell him she wanted him back, but she left it at the postcard.
That was how they began. Sometimes it would be months before another one arrived, but Alexa began to count on them. They usually only contained the name and address of the receiver. Every once in a while there would be a return address because the sender had moved. The postcards didn’t only mark out-of town trips but started arriving around different milestones and special occasions. That’s how she found out about his marriage five years ago. She almost wadded up the postcard of a wedding cake and threw it away, but instead she shoved it in the bottom of her shoe box. She just couldn’t let go.
For Alexa, the postcards had started as a way to hold onto the love she had lost. She would check her mailbox in anticipation hoping that Bryan had thought about her. Over the years her feelings had leveled out, and the postcards were just a pleasant surprise when they arrived every few months. She knew she would always love Bryan, but had accepted that things weren’t meant to be. That’s why she was so puzzled by his request for a meeting.
Alexa slid the postcard back into her purse and looked around the restaurant some more. What if she didn’t recognize him? She felt a tap on her shoulder.
“Alexa?”
She turned around and was face-to-face with Bryan. His vibrant blue eyes sparkled in the light. He smiled.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
They just looked at each other for a few minutes. Alexa laughed nervously.
“Want to grab a drink?”
“Sure,” she answered a little uncertain. So many things were going through her mind. She didn’t know what he wanted, and she didn’t know what she was doing there with him. The one thing she did know is that he was still as gorgeous as she remembered.
They were seated in a booth at the back of the restaurant. “What can I get you?” the waiter asked.
Before Alexa could open her mouth, Bryan rattled off a familiar order, “A glass of Pinot Grigio for the lady, and a scotch neat for me.”
Alexa shook her head and laughed.
“What?”
“You haven’t changed, have you?” she asked.
“I wouldn’t say that. My tastes are still the same, but I’m not the same guy I was when you knew me.”
“So what have you been up to?”
“Work mostly I’m a financial advisor for a major corporation.”
“Do you like it?”
“I love it! You know me and numbers.”
“Yeah...” Alexa took a sip of her wine.
“So how’s Ethan?”
“He’s great! Can you believe he’s in college now? He was just a little boy the last time you saw him.”
“Wow! That’s wonderful. You must be proud.”
“I am. He’s not sure of his major, but at least I got him there.”
“I know how important that was to you.”
An awkward silence followed. Alexa wondered if they had already run out of things to talk about. Alexa wondered what she was doing there. Alexa wondered about his wife.
“What about you? Any kids? How’s your wife?” She wasn’t sure why, but It pained her to ask.
Bryan cleared his throat, something he did when he was nervous, “I’m divorced.”
“You are?” Alexa tried to hide the surprise in her voice.
“Yes. Things just didn’t work out. I was too busy climbing the corporate ladder, and she wanted more attention. She also wanted kids. At the time I was too selfish to acknowledge her feelings. I just left...”
“You’re good at that, aren’t you?” Alexa asked. She didn’t mean to sound so harsh, but it sounded too familiar to her.
“I guess I am,” he said looking down.
“Bryan, I...”
“No I was wrong to leave her,” he cleared his throat, “I was wrong to leave you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah,” Bryan cleared his throat again, “I was wrong to run out on you. I wish I never had.”
Alexa was starting to feel light headed and she didn’t think it was from the wine. “What are you saying?”
Bryan cleared his throat and reached across the table and took her hand. “I’m saying I still love you.”
Alexa stared at his blue eyes waiting for the punchline. There was no way that this was really happening. “I don’t know what to say...”
“Say you’ll give me a chance to prove that I’m different.”
“I can’t do that. I...”
“I know you still love me. You sent me the postcards.”
Alexa thought about how to answer this. Of course she still loved him. She always had and probably always would, but life was going so smoothly. Why did he wait until now to come back?
“I’m with someone now. We just moved in together. I sent the last postcard because I wanted you to have my new address.”
“Oh... I thought the postcards always meant more.”
“They do. They did.”
“Which is it?”
“Well when we first started sending postcards it was because I still loved you and wanted you back. As the years went on it just became something we did.”
“You can’t tell me that you don’t have any feelings for me.”
“Whether or not I have feelings for you doesn’t matter. I’m with Jeff now and I’m happy.” Alexa went to take a sip of wine and realized her glass was empty.
“You can try to deny it, but you’re here with me tonight, not Jeff.”
Alexa considered his words. From the moment she got the postcard with the restaurant’s name on it she knew she would go, but she wasn’t sure why. She was happy with Jeff, but there was something about Bryan that tugged at her heart.
“I wanted to see you, but it was nothing more than curiosity.”
Bryan cleared his throat and downed the rest of his scotch. “Curiosity? It’s more than curiosity, and you know it.” He cleared his throat again. “Alexa, I looked forward to every postcard. You’re the only ex I’ve ever kept in touch with. We belong together, and I think we should give it a try.”
“I guess I came tonight for closure. Things ended so suddenly between us, and I held on to the hope that you’d come back for so long. I met Jeff and he’s wonderful. I guess I had to see you to know that I’m doing the right thing with Jeff.”
“Well, are you doing the right thing?”
“This is all so confusing for me,” Alexa avoided the question as she reached again for the empty wine glass. Why was this happening now when everything was going right for her? Why couldn’t this have happened any of those hundreds of times she wished for it?
“I’m sorry for that. I don’t want to cause you any distress. I just think that when two people love each other they should be together.”
Alexa wished it was that simple. How was she supposed to choose between stability and the unknown? Bryan had hurt her so much when he left all those years ago that it took years for her to trust anyone again. How could she believe in him now?
“Bryan I can’t take that risk.”
“I won’t hurt you again Alexa. I’m committed to making this work.”
She had forgotten how stubborn he could be. “I’m committed to Jeff. I think I should go.”
“Go?”
“There’s nothing left to talk about. I should get home, to Jeff.”
Alexa had to get out of there before she did something stupid, like let herself get wrapped up in the romance of the moment. She pushed back her chair and stood to leave. Being the gentleman that he was, Bryan stood too. They looked at each other.
“I love you Alexa. Don’t go.”
“Bryan, it’s not going to work between us, no matter how bad you think you want it.”
“Think? I know you’re the one.”
She looked at Bryan’s beautiful eyes and strong jaw line. She thought of Jeff, plain as plain could be, but how kind he had always been. She thought of Bryan leaving her and the devastation she felt. She never wanted to feel that again, and she knew she wouldn’t with Jeff.
“Bryan, I may be your one, but you’re not mine.”
“Alexa, I...”
“I’m sorry.”
With that, Alexa walked out of the restaurant.
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