NaNoWriMo Eve

'Twas the day before NaNoWriMo and all through the house all the creatures were focused on their novel's plot.

Enough of that...

Tomorrow is November 1st, and I will start writing my novel.  I'm excited and nervous.  I only have a very loose plot and four characters.  I don't even have a title or an ending yet.  I think not having an ending is ok because that will come to me as I write, but I really wish I knew what to call my novel.

So here is what I have:  It is the 18th spring break that these four women have gotten together.  This year is not as fun as other years because a dark cloud is hanging over Meredith.  Her life partner, Julie, is terminally ill.  Not only will she lose the love of her life, but she could lose their son, Nathan, too.  Nathan is Julie's biological child, and Julie's parents believe that Nathan belongs with them.  Meredith has raised Nathan since birth and believes it's in his best interest to stay with her, the one remaining parent that he has.

In comes Beverly, who stopped practicing law to write trashy romance novels.  She will help her friend with this outrageous custody battle by starting to practice law again.  Where do Jenna and Krissy come in?  Well Jenna's life is picture perfect, but we will find out about a terrible addiction she has.  Krissy will use her investigative skills to help with the custody battle and to find out what is troubling Jenna.

Confused?  Hope not.  This is my novel synopsis.  Not really sure how it will end up, but this is it.  We'll see where I'm at in 31 days...

Eight Days

There are only 8 days until NaNoWriMo begins.  I have written lots of notes for my novel trying to work things out, but I haven't done any writing (you're not supposed to write until November 1st).  I think I have my story, but I haven't done any research, and I'm afraid for credibility I'll need to do some research.  I guess I'll worry about that after I finish the novel and I go to revise (if I finish and if it is worth revising).  I can only hope that I do write the 50,000 words and that I write something half-way decent that I can revise and maybe do something with.

I'm feeling nervous about the whole thing.  I think I am nervous because I want to be successful, and I'm worried that I'll be staring at a blank page without the words coming to me.  Fifty thousand words is a lot and when I think about writing more than what I normally do, I get a little dizzy.  I really hope I can do this and do it well!

I'll be updating my blog with my writing.  Who knows?  The whole novel could end up on here in sections.  We'll just have to see.  I'll try to update my word count on a daily basis so my blog readers can follow along with where I am at.

Meet the Characters

I've been working on the characters for my novel today.  I came up with a fourth, so I've got what I want.  Four friends who get together every year.  Each time I think of something that could happen it sounds like a (very good) Lifetime Movie.  I'm trying to think of stuff not so over the top, but I can't help it.  It's where my mind goes.

Anyway, although there isn't much to my characters yet, I wanted to introduce them.  Maybe you can suggest something or point out a flaw (if there is one).  I'm trying not to be too stereotypical or copy anything else that has been done.

Here they are (in no particular order---I haven't decided whose story it is yet):

* Jenna--stay at home mom to Katie (6) and Amy (3); married to Kevin.  Her family owns the beach house where the women get together each year.  She coordinates the trip each year.  She has a "picture perfect" life and is very happy (sometimes too happy).

*  Meredith--teacher.  Lives with life partner (Julie) and one child, Nathan (8).  Nathan is Julie's biological child, but the two women have raised him since he was born.

*  Krissy--detective.  Divorced/single.  Lives alone with dog (Chloe).  She is the sassy one in the group.

* Beverly--don't know much about her yet.  I think she was once a lawyer who decided not to practice law anymore and has decided to write.  Something may happen to pull her back into law.

See it's not much, but it's four girls who have known each other a long time who are each going to bring something special to the novel.  Feel free to leave some feedback.

It's Coming Together (sorta)

I've got three characters for my novel.  I really wanted four, but I've only come up with three.  If I can't come up with a fourth name, then there will only be the three, but I hate odd numbers, so I'm going to see what I can do.

My novel is about three (hopefully four) friends that have known each other since high school.  They are best friends and can't imagine a life without each other.  They go to different colleges, but decide to spend spring break together each year.  The novel takes place on their 18th spring break (the women are now 36).    I have not decided what adventure they are going to go on or what is going to happen to make this different than other years, but I've got a beginning and that is a big step.

Keep reading the blog for more updates on my novel.  If you have any suggestions or ideas, let me know.  I could use all the help I can get right now!

My Novel

I got it!  Well, kinda...  I'm going to write a novel about four girlfriends who get together every year.  I know this has been done, but I'm going to do something to make it different.  I'm not quite sure what that something is yet, but it'll come to me as I write.  I'm just happy to have a premise, a starting point.  I'm going to start working on character development and try to figure out what kind of adventure they are going to go on.

My November Project

I am participating in NaNoWriMo in November.  What is that?  It is National Novel Writing Month.  Basically, you have 30 days to write 50,000 words.  This both excites me and overwhelms me.  It would be so cool to complete this task, but this task seems SO big.  I did a little math and it works out to about 1,700 words per day.  That's not too bad.  I just have to focus and make myself write every day (which has already proven to be difficult).

My major problem right now is what to write about.  I have 16 days to figure out how to start this thing.  I need a general plot or at least a character.  Anything at this point would be good...

The Journey (final pages)

Here are the final pages of The Journey.  For a short story it's kind of long (37 pages total), but I think it's a good story.  Read on to find out what happens to Kalle and what secret Jason has kept from her.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2004

“Kalle would run off during a storm,” Jason muttered to himself as he carefully turned left onto Sea Wall Blvd.  

The storm was slacking off some, but Jason noticed more dark clouds moving in. The ride between Houston and Galveston had not been easy and he knew that he had to find Kalle so they could make it home before the roads flooded.  

He drove along the sea wall with the gulf to his right, cursing Kalle for doing this to him.  They had a weekly smoothie date and she hadn’t shown.  When he went to her apartment and it was empty Jason jumped in his car and headed toward the coast, knowing that Kalle always ran to the beach when she was upset.  This wasn’t the first time he had chased her to Galveston. In fact they had spent many hours staring at the waves and talking about Kalle’s rape since it happened.

1997

Jason drove slowly down Sea Wall Blvd. looking for Kalle’s car.  It was late on a random October night and Kalle hadn’t come home.  Although he had graduated in May, they were still sharing an apartment in their small college town waiting for Kalle to finish school.  When Kalle wasn’t home by nine o’clock he checked the Communications building and the library, but no one had seen her.  The only thing to do was to buy gas, a fresh pack of cigarettes, and a Mountain Dew.  It was going to be a long night.

“There she is…” Jason pulled in right behind her car and grabbed a light jacket out of the backseat.  He took the stairs down to the beach and walked toward Kalle.  She looked so small with her knees drawn up to her chest.  Her hair was tied back, but some of the smaller strands around her face had come lose and they swirled in the breeze.  As he got closer, Jason could see that Kalle was crying.  He stood back and watched her for a minute as she stared at the waves crashing on the shore.  Jason thought that she looked so lost and he just didn’t know how to find her.

“Hey,” he said sitting down beside her on the sand.  He draped his jacked over her shoulders and handed her a 20 oz drink, “I brought you a Sprite.”

“Thanks,” she muttered. She set the bottle down in the sand unopened.  She never took her eyes off the gulf.

“Kalle, I’m worried about you,” Jason said as he lit a cigarette.

“I’m okay…”

“Obviously not!  If you were okay, then we wouldn’t be sitting here.”

“I guess you’re right, but I’m perfectly fine sitting here alone.”

Jason ignored her.  “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

Kalle sighed.  Jason waited.

“I had a dream last night that he came back.”

 “He’s not coming back.”

“You don’t know that.”

Jason put out his cigarette in the sand.  “You’re right Kalle.  I don’t know that.  I don’t know much about what you’re going through.  I don’t understand what you’re feeling and I’ll never be able to relate.  I do know this:  you’re too strong to let him hurt you again. 

“It’s been two years and I’m still afraid of sleeping with the lights off.  That’s weakness.”

 “Kalle, you’re very strong.  Why don’t you think so?”

“If I am so strong, then why was I raped in the first place?”

Jason lit another cigarette.  He saw the seriousness of Kalle’s question in the flicker of his lighter.  She really wanted to know why and he didn’t have an answer for her.  “Kalle, you know that no one has that answer, but it’s not…”

“I know, I know. It’s not my fault.  I didn’t ask for it to happen and I shouldn’t blame myself.”

Jason smiled, “Good girl!”

Kalle managed a smile.  

“But Jason, I don’t really believe any of that.  It’s all bullshit!”

“How so?”

“I haven’t quite figured that out yet, but I did something wrong, something that let him think it was okay.”

“That’s ridiculous!”

“No Jason, it’s not.  Why else would he think it was ok to rape me?”

Jason put out his cigarette and focused on the water for a few minutes.  Kalle was so fragile and he wanted to say the right things.

“Because he’s a sick person.  It’s his issue, his problems that led up to it.  You can’t blame yourself.”

“You sound like a textbook.  That is the standard ‘what to tell a rape victim’ answer.”

“Have you given any more thought to therapy,” Jason asked.

“There’s no point.  It can’t be changed.  I’ll still be this poor, little rape victim.  I hate myself.”

“Kalle…” Jason trailed off.  He had done everything he could these last two years to be there for her and help her through this.  He had even gone to some group counseling sessions for families and friends of victims.  Kalle refused to tell anyone so that left Jason with a huge responsibility.  He didn’t know how much more he could handle.

“Kalle, you’re too close to graduation to let this destroy you.  Look how far you’re made it!  It’s been two years and you are getting stronger each day.  That’s how you’ve gotta look at it.  Find the positives!”

“Jason you are so black and white.  What about the gray areas?  What about how all this makes me feel?”

“That’s why I think therapy would be good for you.  I think if you talked to someone who was experienced with dealing with this type of crisis that you would be able to cope better.”

“I don’t want to bring someone else into my life and relive the whole thing with them.”

“It might help you.”

“It may send me spiraling back into a drunken stupor.  I don’t want to start all over.  I’m healing.”

“If you were healing then… Never mind…” Jason trailed off again.  He was really frustrated.  “What will it take for me to get you to come home with me tonight?”

Jason watch Kalle shrug.  He took out another cigarette and lit it.  

“C’mon, let’s go,” he stood up and put out his hand.

Kalle just looked up at him making no effort to move.

“C’mon,” he repeated.

She took his hand and he pulled her into a standing position.  He led her down the beach.  They walked in silence for a while.

“Kalle, you’re getting ready to graduate and start your career.  You’ll meet new people. He’ll become just a distant memory, a bad guy you knew from college.”

“I don’t want him to be any part of me, even if it is just a distant memory.”

“I know and I understand that.”

“So what do I do?”

Jason thought about how to answer this.  He just wanted to get her off the beach and home.  He was tired and he could tell that she was exhausted.  They both needed a good night’s sleep.

“You persevere.  You focus on the good and push away the bad.”

Kalle sighed, “I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all you can do.  Now let’s go home.”

“Ok, I’ll follow you,” she said as they walked toward their cars.  

Jason was relieved.  He had once again saved Kalle.

 2004

He spotted her car and pulled over, cursing her for her impulsive behavior.  She knew that Jason would listen and he didn’t know why Kalle always had to run.  From the sand he spotted a dark figure laying on one of the jetties.  He jogged down to the water and carefully made his way out on the rocks.

Jason looked down at Kalle.  He sucked in his breath as he saw all the bumps, bruises, scratches and traces of blood that covered Kalle.  What had she done to herself?

“Kalle?  What the hell happened?”

Her eyes appeared empty as she stared up at the sky.  Jason didn’t know what to do.

“You’re bleeding Kalle.  Say something… Let me take you to the hospital.” Jason reached for her.

Kalle sighed, “Just leave me alone.”

“Let me help you.”

Jason watched as Kalle struggled to sit up.  “Jason, go home!  I’m waiting for high tide to carry me away.”

“Kalle, I won’t leave you here.  Give me your hand.”  Jason pleaded as he reached out his hand.

She moved her sad eyes from his face, to his outstretched hand, and back to his face.  Jason knew that Kalle would wait to see exactly what he would do.  This was one time when he had no idea.

Jason looked out at the gulf.  The end of the jetty, which was just a few feet away, was already covered with water.  The white foam of the waves crashed against the rocks.  Jason saw the clouds moving in the dark sky above.  The rain stopped and he closed the umbrella, trying to plan his next move.

“Kalle, the water is rising and more rain is coming.  We can go sit in my car where it is warm.  I’m not leaving until we talk.”

Kalle heaved a big sigh and took his hand.  He helped her stand, listened to her moan with each step, and managed to get them near the sand.  Kalle stopped and Jason knew this was as far as she was going.  He didn’t like it, but it was better than sitting out on that jetty.  He eased her onto the rocks, a bit dryer without the constant crash of waves.  Jason sat down beside her. They stared at the gulf.

“Want one?” Jason asked as he held out a pack of cigarettes. Kalle shook her head.  Jason lit his cigarette and took a long drag.

“You’re not going to believe what happened at work this morning.  I brought Starbucks in for everyone and instead of being thankful Ben complained that I brought him the wrong size.  He’s such a jerk.”

Kalle sighed, “Jason…”

“Well he is.  He’s threatened by me.  He may be higher up, but he knows I’m smarter.”

“Why do you do this?”

“Do what? You didn’t show up at the smoothie place and I need to vent about my day.  I’m kind of aggravated about having to drive all this way to complain about the arrogant weasel.” 

“Jason, just leave me alone and let me die.”

 Jason took a final drag and rubbed the glowing end of the cigarette on the rock.  They sat in silence for a while.  A light drizzle fell and the wind continued to swirl around them.  

“Kalle, giving up is the easy way out and you never take the easy way.  Why would you start now?”

“Jason, I ran into him today. It’s just a matter of time before he comes for me again.  The only way to escape him is to end my life.”

“How many times have I told you that you’re in control?  He can’t hurt you again as long as you believe that you’re in control.  Ending your life won’t change what happened to you.”

“I know that Jason.  But you’re wrong.  I’m not in control and he could show up at any moment and rape me again.”

Jason lit another cigarette.  He was getting annoyed.  “Stop playing the victim Kalle.”

“What?  Playing the victim?  I am a victim!  He raped me or did you forget that?  I didn’t deserve it nor ask for it.  How can you sit here and tell me that I’m playing the victim?  You were there…”

Jason cut her off.  “Kalle I never said you deserved it and I know how terrible the experience was for you.  I still want to kill the bastard, but you can’t carry that hurt and anger for the rest of your life.  It’ll…” he trailed off.

“Kill me?” Kalle laughed sarcastically.

“You have to let it go.  Move past it.  Persevere.”

“What do you know about it Jason?”

What did he know about it?  He loved her, but Kalle really made him mad sometimes.  She was trapped in the center of her own world and had a hard time seeing outside of what she knew.  She became more withdrawn after her rape, but she’d always needed help seeing outside herself.

He put out his cigarette.  “Kalle, unfortunately many women have been raped and hurt physically, but they choose to rise above and not let their circumstances destroy them.”

“Jason, it’s not a choice.  If it was I wouldn’t believe this was my only way to protect myself from him.”

“Kalle you choose to believe that,” he said lighting another cigarette.  He usually didn’t chain smoke, but he was so aggravated.  When would this cycle end?  When would she realize she could get on with her life?

Kalle’s face turned red, “Bullshit! Just go home and leave me the hell alone!  I don’t need you!”

Jason didn’t answer.  She did need him and they both knew it.  It was time for him to finally share his story with her.

“Kalle, do you remember when my mom and I moved to town?”

“Yes, you were in my 5^th grade class.  You started a couple of weeks into school.  You were very quiet.  What does that have to do with anything?”

“If my mom had chosen to remain a victim then you never would have met me.”

Kalle stared at him, mouth open.  He had her attention.  

1987

Jason pumped his legs as fast as they would go.  His mom had told him to be home by 5:30 PM.  He was running late and wanted to avoid getting grounded.

As he rounded the corner he slammed on the brakes.  There were two police cars in the front of his house.  Their red and blue lights were flashing.  Had his mother called the police because Jason was late?  He started to sweat more, expecting something worse than getting grounded.  

He left his bike on its side laying in the yard.  He ran through the open front door.  “Mom!  I’m home!”  There was no answer.

“Mom?” Jason walked to the back of the house towards the kitchen.  He heard his mother and two voices he didn’t recognize.

“Mrs. Martin, please tell us about this morning.  What do you remember about Mr. Martin’s state of mind?”

Jason crept into the kitchen.  His mom was sitting at the cluttered table.  Her eyes were red and puffy.  She was looking down at her hands.  She didn’t notice Jason, but one of the officers did. “Excuse me, Mrs. Martin…” the red-faced officered gestured toward Jason.

His mother looked up and sprang from her chair.  She hugged Jason close. “Oh, Jason…”

“I’m sorry I’m late.  Please don’t let them take me away.”

“Take you away?”

“For being late.  I’m sorry.  I lost track of…”

“No Jason.  The police aren’t here because you are late,” she hesitated, “There’s been an accident.”

“An accident?”

“Your father… He…”

Jason looked at his mother and at the two policemen.  Something bad had happened to his dad.  Tears welled up in his eyes.

“Your father is dead Jason,” she said crying.

Dead? How could his dad be dead?  They just had breakfast together that morning.  They talked about catching an Astros game over the weekend?  How could his dad be dead?

“What happened?”

His mom glanced at the police officers.

“There was an accident Jason.  The police are looking into it.  That’s why they are here.”

Jason didn’t like the sound of that.  “What kind of accident?”

Jason’s mom glanced at the officers again.  “Sit down honey,” Jason’s mom gestured toward the kitchen table.  “The police found your father’s car parked under an overpass.  He was inside.  He had been shot.”

“Who would do that to dad?”

“Honey, the police think he shot himself…”

“What? Shot himself? Dad would never do that!”

Jason’s mother started to cry.  Jason started to cry.  One of the police officers cleared his throat, “Ma’am we’ll come back later.  We have some more questions for you, but we’ll give you some time with your boy.”  The officers walked out of the kitchen whispering to each other.  Jason heard, “It’s a damn shame.”  He clung to his mother weeping for his dad.

“Why mom? Why?”

“I don’t know honey.  I’m just as shocked as you are.”

Jason looked around the kitchen.  He couldn’t believe this was happening.  He wanted to rewind to that morning and give his dad a big hug.  He wanted to tell him he loved him.  He wanted this all to be a nightmare.

********

Jason kicked off the covers and leapt out of bed.  He thought for sure yesterday had been a bad dream.  He ran to his parents’ bedroom looking for hid dad.  No one was there.  The bed was made.  Perhaps his parents were having breakfast.

He crept down stairs, listening intently for any sign of his dad.  There weren’t any.  He was beginning to worry.

He went to the kitchen.  His mom was on the phone and didn’t notice him.

“Jason is doing ok I think he’s in shock.  I am too,” he heard his mom say.

“No.  I couldn’t sleep last night.  I stayed in Bill’s office going through his papers.”  

“No I didn’t find anything.”

Jason wondered what his mom was looking for.

“I’m going to the office today to see if I can find anything there.”

Jason coughed and his mom looked up “I’ve got to go Mom.  Jason is up.  I’ll talk to you later.”

“Can I get you some cereal honey?”

“I guess dad is really dead,” Jason muttered.

“Come here honey,” his mom said.  She hugged him close, “I know you’re sad.  I am too.  It’s hard to believe this happened.”

Jason didn’t answer.

“Let me get you some cereal.  I think you’ll feel better if you eat something…”

“Why’d he do it Mama?” Jason looked at his mom with expectant eyes.  He wanted nothing more than an answer.  One that made sense of this awful day.

“I don’t’ know honey?”

“What do you mean? You should know!”

“I’m trying to figure that out.”

“Dad was a great man.  I can’t believe he’d ever kill himself.”

Jason watched his mother’s face crumble.  She started to cry.  “Jason he was a great man.  I don’t know why he did this.  I promise you I will find out!”

********

Jason was lying on the couch staring at the TV when his mom came home.  He wasn’t really paying attention to it.  The noise was comforting, but all he could think about was his dad.

His mom rushed in and threw down her purse on the bench by the door.  This was unlike her.  She hated for stuff to be piled on the bench.  She headed straight for the kitchen.  Jason got up off the couch and followed her.  “Mom?”

His mom took a casserole out of the refrigerator.  It was one of many that had been delivered in the past twenty-four hours.  

“Mom?  What happened at Dad’s office?”

His mother put the casserole in the oven and took some lettuce out of the fridge.

“Mom!” he said louder.

“Huh?” she seemed confused.

“What happened at Dad’s office?”

“Nothing honey.” He didn’t believe her.

“You didn’t find out why he killed himself?”

She hesitated, “No…”

“Mom, tell me what happened.”

“It’s complicated, grown-up stuff Jason.”

“I can handle it.  I’m eleven years old.”

“Eleven is still too young to understand this Jason.”

Jason started to cry.  I just wanna know why my daddy killed himself.  I wanna know why he’s not here anymore.  Please tell me.”

“Jason, even if I know why we’ll never really understand why this happened.  It’s a complicated situation.  Even if I simplify it for you, it will just be more confusing.”

“That doesn’t make sense mom.”

“None of this does…”

2004

Kalle shook her head in disbelief, “I don’t get it Jason.  How was your mom a victim?”

“He blamed her Kalle.  She had to get over the fact that he said it was all her fault.”

“It’s not the same Jason.  He took a piece of me when he raped me.”

“My dad took a chunk of my mom when he killed himself.  I know it’s not the same, but it’s still a loss she had to work through.”

“How do you know he blamed her?  How did she know?”

“He left a note.  She found it that day at his office.  I saw it years later when I was nosing around my mom’s office.  I’m not sure why she kept the horrible thing, but she did.”

“Why didn’t she tell you about it right away?”

“She didn’t want me to blame her.  She wanted me to love the parent I had left and not resent her.”

“How did you feel when you found it?”

“I was angry at her for not telling me, but I didn’t blame her.  It had been a few years since his death and I was still mad at him for leaving me.  No matter what he said, he made a choice to end his life.”

“That’s very mature for a teenager.”

“It took a while to get to that.  I just couldn’t blame my mom.  She was all I had left.”

Kalle’s body heaved a huge sigh.  “I’m not you or your mom Jason.”

“That’s a good thing,” he laughed, “Kalle, you’re just as strong.  If my mom could survive my dad’s suicide and work through it all, you too can persevere.”

“Jason, I…”

“I won’t accept anything else from you.  Look at the big picture.  Find the positive.  You lived to tell about it.  You survived!  Find that within.”

“I… I…” Kalle started to cry.

Jason put his arm around her and carefully pulled her close.  Her head felt heavy on his shoulder, but he held her and let her cry.  He stared at the gulf thinking about his dad and feeling a sense of loss.   Jason missed growing up with a father.

“It won’t be easy Jason.” 

“Nothing worth having is.”

“I don’t know if I can do it.  He is too much a part of me.  I am thankful you shared your story with me.  Not only because it is inspiring, but because you’re my best friend and I never knew…”

“You never knew because I don’t let it rule my life.  Neither does my mom. We rose above it.  I am here for you.”

“How do I rise above?”

Jason noticed that Kalle’s eyes still glistened with tears, but she no longer seemed lost.  She was coming back to him.

“That’s up to you, but first you need to change your thinking.  You are not a victim, you are a survivor.  Tell yourself this until you believe that he can’t hurt you again.”

“When did you get so smart?”

Jason put out his cigarette.  “When my dad put a bullet in his head…” 

“Jason… I…”

“Don’t Kalle.  It’s ok.  Now, let me take you to a hospital.”

**********

Kalle drifted between awake and sleep.  When she was conscious she watched the signs along I45 as they zoomed toward home.  Jason didn’t say anything.  Neither did she.  She felt like she had been run over, twice.  At the same time, she felt stronger.  

It felt like days since she’d sat on the jetty.  In real time it was just four hours.  Although the hospital wait hadn’t been that bad, Kalle was both physically and emotionally exhausted and needed to get home.  There were important things on her agenda.

She turned the key in the lock and pushed the door open with more force than was needed.  She threw her purse and keys to the floor and kicked the door shut, forgetting about Jason. She dashed in, turning on lights and undressing on the way to her bedroom.  

She smelled like salt water and her body ached.  A hot shower would be heaven, but she had something else on the agenda.  As she reached for her robe on the back of the bathroom door she saw her reflection in the mirror.  She almost did not recognize herself.  Her usually neat hair was frizzy and matted with salt water and dried blood.  She winced as she tried to smooth it down, remembering the huge bump on her head.   Her face was red and puffy, especially around her eyes.  Specks of dry blood covered her neck, arms, and legs.  She looked like she had just emerged from a battlefield.  As she stared at her reflection she could feel the tears well up in her eyes.  She took a deep breath and reminded herself of the task at hand and pushed all thoughts of her appearance out of her mind. 

Her mind spun with thoughts of her experience on the jetty.  She was not sure what was real and what wasn’t, but she knew that she was moving forward in the right direction.  

She sat down at her computer and opened a new document.  A blank page was stared back at her.  Her palms got sweaty and her heart started to race.  It was apparent to her that her heart was moving two times as fast as the cursor on the blank page in front of her.  She wiped her hands on her plush robe and touched her fingertips to the keyboard and took a deep breath.  Her hands shook as she typed the first couple of words.  She kept making mistakes and hitting backspace, needing this endeavor to be perfect.  With each stroke her breathing evened out and the movements became easier. The words started to flow from within to the screen.

She leaned back in her chair and studied what she had written.

My name is Kalle.  I refuse to be a victim anymore.  I am a survivor.  This life is mine and no one can take that away.  I am strong. My past is part of me, but not all of me. He won only one battle, but I have won the war! I am a survivor! 

Smiling with satisfaction she hit the print button and watched as each line she had written became a piece of reality.  She removed the paper from her printer and studied it closely.  Tears welled up in her eyes again.  Not because of what she wrote, but because of the pride she felt.  She had taken back control and it felt so good.  She commanded the computer print ten more.  

She jumped up from her chair.  There was something exhilarating about this sense of closure she felt, and she was unable to sit still.  She paced around her room listening to the rhythmic sound of the printer shooting out her declaration of independence.  Kalle suddenly remembered Jason.  She went out to the living room.

“Jason?”

He was on the couch flipping through the channels.  At the sound of Kalle’s voice he turned off the TV.  “I’m here Kalle.”

“Thank you Jason.  You saved my life.”

“Don’t mention it Kalle.  That’s what I’m here for. Do you want me to sleep on the couch tonight?”

“No Jason.  I think I’m going to be ok.  In the morning I’m going to call someone who specializes in rape counseling so I can work through all these feelings.”

“That’s great Kalle.  I’ll be by you every step of the way.  So will your friends and family, if you decide to tell them.”

Kalle thought for a moment.  Jason was the only one in her life that knew.  Letting others in was a scary thought, but she needed their help if she was going to stop being a victim.  “Yeah, I think it’s time I let everyone else in.”

Kalle thought for a couple of minutes and added, “I think I’m also going to report Andrew to the police.  He shouldn’t get away with this.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes.  I only have a little time left to press charges.  I may as well and see what happens.”

“I’m proud of you girl.  Good night Kalle.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”

They hugged goodbye and Kalle shut off all the lights in her apartment and went to sleep.

The Journey (first 17 pages)

    The Journey is a long short story (just under 10,000 words).  The story takes place in 2004, but includes many flashbacks to the 1990s and even one to 1987. The Journey is the story of Kalle and how she deals with being raped in 1995.  She is still haunted by the memories of her rape in the present day and believes the only way to escape is suicide.  This is where Jason, her best friend, enters.  He has been by Kalle's side since she was raped (he's the only one that knows), and it is up to him to save her.  He is used to having to rescue her, but he is growing tired of Kalle's helplessness.  He believes that she is stronger than she recognizes, and she needs to look inside and find the strength that is there.  How will he accomplish that and help Kalle realize that he life is worth living?
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The Journey

2004

Kalle ran.  She ran all the way to the edge of the ocean, driven by her past and the need to run from him and his dysfunctional world before she got sucked back in.  No matter how much she tried to work through the hurt, anger, grief, and feelings of betrayal, he always found a way to push her back in time by weaseling into her life.  Usually in a dream but other times, like today, in real life.  This brought back the feelings of despair and lack of self control that she first felt nine years ago.

“I just want him to leave me alone,” Kalle whispered.  Her hair swirled around her as the warm ocean air mixed with salt water burned her face.  Dark storm clouds were rolling in.  The impending storm was causing the waves to become rough.  Every so often water would crash up over the jetty, soaking her jeans. She was too lost in her thoughts to notice.  What had started out as a normal day had quickly turned to into a nightmare.

***********************************

“You’re kidding me?  He said that?” Jamie asked.

Kalle was trying to contain her laughter.  She was sitting with Mallory and Jamie, her best girlfriends, at a crowded deli near the mall.  The topic of today’s lunch was another one of Mallory’s dating disasters.  

“No,” Mallory laughed shaking her head, “he actually told me that if I was a new hamburger at McDonald’s then I’d be a McGorgeous.”

Kalle and Jamie burst out laughing.  Poor Mallory had the worst luck.  Kalle was glad she didn’t date and just stuck close to her friends.  Besides Jamie and Mallory the only other person Kalle really hung out with was her best friend Jason.

“I’m sorry Mal.  It could be worse.  I’m not really sure how, but I know that can’t be the worst date ever!” Jamie was trying not to laugh as she attempted to soothe Mallory.

Mallory rolled her eyes and took a sip of her tea.  “Let’s get outta here.” 

      They were still laughing about the dumb things men say when Kalle bumped into someone coming in the door.

“Excuse me,” she said.  As she spoke she looked up to make eye contact.  Her green eyes met his brown ones and she froze.  It was him.  Pictures of their last encounter swirled through her mind in quick snapshots, each new one dissolving the last.

Pushed into the room.

Squinting from the glow of the television.

Shoved to the floor.

Body exposed.

Ceiling fan spinning.

His weight on top of her.

Recollection flickered across his face and he smiled.  

“Well… Hello Kalle.  It’s been a long time.”  His whole demeanor was of arrogance and intimidation.

Kalle couldn’t speak.  She tried to break eye contact, but couldn’t.  He smiled while her face was emotionless, not sure what to do, what to think.  

“Kalle!  What are you doing?  We’ve got to get to the mall.”

Finally Kalle was able to break the hold he had on her, at least for the moment.  “Coming!” she yelled back as she turned.

“Nice to see you again Kalle.  We’ll have to grab a drink sometime and catch up.”

Kalle kept walking focusing only on the blue car in front of her.  She quickly climbed in the backseat. 

“Who was that?” Jamie asked.

Kalle hesitated to answer.  She didn’t talk about what happened to her. She had never even told her family.  She had been too ashamed and scared.  Jason was the only one that knew.  She wanted to forget all about it, but he just kept popping up.

“No one,” she whispered.

“Are you ok?” asked Jamie.

Kalle was far from okay.  She was scared.  She almost told her friends the whole story so they could protect her, but instead she took a couple of deep breaths, cleared her throat, and lied. “I’m fine.  I’m just tired.  Do you mind if I take a rain check on the shopping and just go home?”

  Kalle saw Jamie and Mallory exchange glances.  “Sure,” they answered together.  They didn’t press the issue.  She knew they wouldn’t.  The only person who would is Jason, and he wasn’t here.  

Jamie and Mallory dropped Kalle off at her house.  Kalle waited until they were out of sight and then hopped in her car.  She wasn’t going to let him get to her again.  

1995

“You’re wrong Jason.”

Kalle was lying on Jason’s bed, letting her blonde curls spill over the side.  She was watching Jason’s feet as they shuffled around the room.

 “In the last eleven years when have I ever been wrong?” 

Kalle sat up and threw a pillow at him, “Well there was this one time back in seventh grade when you grew your hair long…” She burst into a fit of giggles.  She loved Jason.  He was her best friend.  Unfortunately he was right about not being wrong.  Jason was seldom wrong and always seemed to know exactly what Kalle needed.

Jason smiled, “It was the eighties.  It wasn’t my fault.”

They laughed.

“Seriously Kalle, you’re going to be bored up here all alone over the weekend.”

Kalle rolled her eyes, “I can’t be the only one not going home this weekend.”

Jason shrugged, “It’s four o’clock and the parking lots are already over fifty percent empty.”

“I don’t get it.  Why don’t people want to stay in town on the weekend?”

“It’s a suitcase college Kalle, what do you expect?”

 “You know Jason; you could always stay and hang-out with me.”

“I could but Mom is already expecting me. She’s planned a special dinner for tomorrow night.  Come with me, we’ll have fun!”

“Thanks, but I really don’t feel like going home this weekend.  It’s not that I don’t wanna hang with you and your mom, but I’ve got a few things that I need to do here.”

“What could be more important than an authentic spaghetti dinner?”

“I have a history paper due on Monday and I’m volunteering at the animal shelter tomorrow afternoon.  I’ll go home with you next time.”

“Ok, suit yourself.  I’ll bring you some leftovers.”

“Awesome!”  Kalle walked him to his car and they said their goodbyes.  Then she went back to her room to tackle her history paper.  

***********************************

By nine o’clock on Saturday night Kalle was well into the middle of her pre-bar ritual.  Alanis Morrisette was blaring on her stereo and she was enjoying her second rum and coke.  She had decided to go out to 17^th Street Bar and unwind after finishing her monster history paper.

When Kalle went to the bar she never had to worry about finding someone 21 to buy for her or risk getting caught with alcohol.  She lived right across from the bar and just went back to her dorm when she wanted another drink.  Location was everything!

Kalle finished off her drink, grabbed a light jacket and headed out on her way.  She was shocked that there was a line since the campus was so empty, but at least it seemed to be moving.  

“Hey Kalle!”

She turned around at her name. 

“Hi Joe!” They exchanged hugs.

“Hey Drew!” he said turning to the guy standing with him, “This is Kalle.  She is in one of my history classes and a member of the Program Council.  Kalle, this is Andrew.”

Kalle put out her hand to shake his, but Andrew moved in for a hug.

“Kalle and I are old friends from the Student Government Association,” he said.

Old friends?  Kalle got a sick feeling from Andrew.  She always had.  Her opinion of him worsened after the SGA Christmas party last year.  Not only had he chased every female around with mistletoe trying to get kisses, but she’d heard he’d taken home this girl, Morgan, which wasn’t a big deal, but from what she’d heard, Morgan didn’t want to go with him.  For all Kalle knew it was just gossip, but he still gave her a bad feeling and she kept her distance.

“Are you here alone?” Joe asked as Kalle pulled away from Andrew.

“Yeah, thought I would venture out on my own tonight considering just about everyone went home for the weekend.”

“Cool. Want to hang with us?”

Of course she did.  Kalle thought Joe was really cute. “Sure,” she said.

After an hour and a half and two trips back to her dorm room, Kalle was thoroughly enjoying her night out.  She knew a few other people at the bar from classes and such.  She laughed. She danced.  She had a good time.

“Are you having fun?” Joe asked.

Kalle was really enjoying the attention from Joe.  He was a couple of years older and she felt special that he would focus on her all night instead of some of the older girls in the bar.  

Kalle smiled, “Yeah.  I haven’t been out on a Saturday night in a while.  Plus the company is good.” She blushed.

“I hear ya on that one,” he said.

Kalle managed a shy smile before he excused himself.  It was time for another beer.  She took this as a good time for her to sneak back to her dorm room and have a drink too.  

Kalle burst out laughing as she tripped coming out of her room.  She had beyond a good buzz and everything was hilarious.  Her goal now was to get back to the bar and flirt more with Joe.  She was hoping he would ask for her number.  She stumbled through the front door and turned toward the bar.

She was brought back to reality when a hand covered her mouth and she was pulled back into the building.  At first she thought it was Joe playing around, but when she was pushed into the small TV room off the lobby she knew this wasn’t a game.  The only light in the room came from the television.  Saturday Night Live was on.

Kalle heard the door shut and the lock snap closed, sealing her fate with the stranger.  Her only way out was blocked by the man before her and she couldn’t find her voice to scream.  Not that there were many people in the building who would hear her.  He walked toward her and stepped into the glow of television and Kalle recognized him right away.

“Andrew,” she said nervously, “what are you doing?  We should get back to the bar.” 

“I want you Kalle.  I always get what I want.”   

“Andrew… don’t… no…”

He said nothing else.  He just smiled.  She shivered and started to cry.  Kalle couldn’t find anything to laugh about now.  She was scared.  

Andrew pushed her onto the floor.  In one swift motion he ripped off her shirt and pushed her bra out of the way, exposing her small breasts.  Her tears flowed.  He fumbled with the button fly on her jeans, but managed to get them undone and pulled down.  He pushed her white cotton panties out of the way as he lowered himself down on top of her.

Kalle closed her eyes and started to count, praying for it to be over soon.  At around number one hundred and forty-nine he got up and started straightening his clothes.  Kalle was all exposed and wanted nothing more than to crawl away and hide, but she felt numb.  Andrew bent down, kissed her on the forehead and left.  

She waited to make sure he was gone before grabbing her shirt and running to her room.  Kalle jumped in the shower and stayed under the hot water until it ran cold.  Visions of what just happened spun around her.  If it was what she thought it was then how could she have let it happen to her?  She should have stopped him, screamed, anything.  The more she thought about it the angrier she got with herself.

Kalle couldn’t sleep.  All the lights in her room were on, but it wasn’t the brightness that was keeping her awake.  She was in shock.  She lay in bed and stared at the ceiling tiles for what seemed like hours.  Finally she slept, but it was a restless night with many nightmares.  Why did this happen to her?

***********************************

  It was some time in the afternoon and Kalle was still lying in bed with all the lights on.  She wasn’t sure of the exact time because she couldn’t see her clock from her space on the bed, but the sun was shining in through her blinds and she had been listening to the dorm fill back up for a while.  The weekend was over and the campus was coming back to life.  All Kalle could do was lay there looking at the ceiling tiles trying to make sense of what had happened the night before.

There was a knock at her door, “Kalle! Open up!  It’s Jason!”

Kalle didn’t move. She just continued to stare at the ceiling.  She didn’t want anyone to know.  She didn’t want Jason to know.  She didn’t want to know.  

“C’mon, open up.  I’ve got spaghetti and meatballs.”

Kalle sighed.  She wasn’t hungry, but she knew Jason wouldn’t go away.  She got up and unlocked the door and lay back down before he came in.

“Hey Kalle!” he said as he came in the room.

“Hi,” she muttered.

“Whatcha still doing in bed?  Are you sick?”

Kalle didn’t answer.  She didn’t know what to say to him.  Part of her wanted to tell him the whole terrible story, but she was embarrassed and scared.  She was so overwhelmed with emotions that she didn’t know what to do.

“Ok Kalle, talk to me.  I can tell something is wrong.”

She opened her mouth to speak, but all that came out was a sob.  She started to cry uncontrollably.  

“Kalle, what happened?”

“Jason I think… I mean… Oh…” She couldn’t get the words out between her crying and shaking.

Jason whispered, “Shhh… It’s alright Kalle. I’m here. You can tell me what’s bothering you.  I can help you.”

Through her tears she told Jason the whole story.  Jason just stared at her.  Kalle didn’t know what to think of this reaction, but she kept talking anyway, letting the words tumble out, and revealing each horrid detail.  When she finished, the room was silent.

Jason finally spoke, “Did you go to the hospital? The police?  What can I do?”

“No, I didn’t tell anyone.  I took a long shower and crawled into bed.  I don’t want anyone to know.”

“But Kalle, You’ve got to go to the police.  You’ve gotta get the asshole put away.”

“Jason, I can’t…”

“Kalle listen to me, first of all you did nothing wrong.  There’s nothing you can get in trouble for.  You’re the victim.  Also, you’re not wrong about what happened.  He raped you and needs to go to jail for it.”

Jason’s last few words slapped Kalle across the face.  So it was true, she had been raped.  This realization sent Kalle into another fit of tears.  Jason wrapped his arms around her and held her while she cried.

When she finally spoke her words were soft and slow.  “No one can know.  I just want to forget about it.”

“Kalle, I don’t think that’s a good idea.  Sleep on it.  Think about it.  You’re gotta tell someone.  How about a counselor at the University Counseling Center?  Surely they can help you decide what to do.”

“Jason, I’ve already decided.  It stays between us.”

“But Kalle…”

She quickly cut him off, “No buts! This happened to me and I want to just move past it.  Now where are those meatballs?”

Kalle wasn’t really hungry but she no longer wanted to be the topic of conversation. Although Jason gave her a worried look he took the food out of the bag beside the bed and popped it in the microwave.  They ate in silence.

Jason tried to get Kalle to take a walk, but she didn’t want to leave the safety of her room.  They sat and watched TV for a bit.  Around midnight Jason got up to leave.

“Well I’ve got an early class,” he said.

“Jason, stay here tonight.  I didn’t sleep well last night.  Maybe with you here…”

“Sure, no problem.  Let me run up to my room and grab a few things.”

He wasn’t gone long.  When he returned he spread out his sleeping bag and got ready to go to sleep.  When he went to turn off the light, Kalle shouted at him.

“No!  Leave those on!”

“Everything is going to be ok Kalle,” he said as he lay down on the floor.

“I hope so…” she muttered as she closed her eyes.

2004

Kalle stood on the jetty and began to pace.  She was constantly battling these old demons.  It was the same struggle over and over again.  Her life was spinning out of control.  He had ripped Kalle off her destined path and set her on a new course.  Kalle had only come up with one way back to peace, but it did not come without a price.

Kalle stopped moving and stared blankly at the gulf, wondering what it felt like to float just under the waves as some fish did.  Kalle thought back to her childhood when she believed mermaids were real.  What she would give to be able to dive into the gulf and swim with the fishes for an eternity.  He couldn’t get to her there.

Kalle knew she could dive into the gulf and get lost in the waves and be safe from him forever, but she would lose so much in the process.  Once again he would emerge the winner in this fucked-up game they had been playing since 1995.  

Frustration and rage bubbled to the surface as she walked swiftly back and forth on the slick rocks.  It amazed her how these feelings could resurface and smack her in the face after all this time.

Kalle was jerked out of her hazy anger when she slipped on the jetty and fell backward.  Her feet slipped out from under her and for a split second she floated above the jetty.  Before she could think of a way to ease her fall gravity took over and she landed with a thud.  The impact of Kalle’s skull hitting the rocks was blinding.  Both elbows slammed into the jetty shooting pain throughout her body.  She lay sprawled out, rough ocean waves reaching up to touch her.  The spray from the gulf stung her fresh cuts and scrapes. Each time the waves crashed against the jetty her skin burned.

The wind blew harder bringing in more dark clouds.  Kalle suddenly felt scared.

When she first tried to move she couldn’t.  She felt like her brain had lost communication with her body.  After several attempts Kalle managed to prop herself up on her elbows.  Small bits of rock and sand ground into her raw skin. Reflexively she put her hands behind her and pushed herself into a sitting position.  The whole world seemed to shake back and forth.  Her head felt like it was ready to split in two. She turned toward shore, wincing at the stiffness in her neck and the pounding in her head.  Her eyes could not focus and all she saw were the blurred lights from the street, which seemed miles away.

Kalle turned back toward the gulf with tears streaming down her face. She was in so much pain and did not know what to do.  She wanted to go home and crawl into her warm bed and sleep away the memories of this night and the one from nine years ago, but she felt that it was physically impossible.  Kalle took a deep breath and tried to stand, but the dizziness was overwhelming and her legs did not seem to want to hold her weight.  She fell down into a sitting position, shaking.  High tide would be along soon, not to mention the approaching storm.  Kalle decided to accept defeat and eased down until she was lying against the cool rocks once again.  

Suddenly the air got very still.  The rain came slowly at first.  Small drops fell on Kalle.  They felt warm and fresh compared to the brutal salt water.  It didn’t take long for the intensity of the storm to pick up.  The rain started falling in huge droplets, pelting Kalle in the face.  She closed her eyes and thanked the rain for intervening.  Before long the tide would rise, and the waves would wrap around her to carry her off to sea.  Freedom would finally be hers.

1995

Kalle took another drink.  The alcohol no longer burned going down and she was starting to feel numb, which is exactly what she wanted.  She reached for the bottle but before she could pour another drink there was a knock at the door.

“Who… Who is it?” Kalle stuttered.

“Kalle?  It’s me, Jason.”

She rolled her eyes and took a swig straight from the bottle.  “What do you want?”

“Just wanted to see what you were up to.”

“Unfortunately, I’m still here, breathing away.”  

“Don’t say stuff like that Kalle.  Now, let me in!”

Kalle couldn’t figure out why Jason had been so insistent with her these days.  She downed another shot and unlocked the door.  Her eyes squinted at the contrast between the bright hallway and her dark dorm room.  Jason stood in the doorway with concern covering his face.  Kalle just wanted to be left alone so she could become totally numb and possibly get some sleep.

“Are you drinking again?” Jason asked.

“Is the sky blue?” Kalle snapped back.

Jason sighed and looked around the room.  Kalle knew what he saw.  She had been sitting virtually in the dark.  She had the bathroom light on and there was a small stream of light coming from under the door.  There were fast food bags and containers crumpled on the floor.  Clothes were everywhere.  Kalle felt embarrassed by the state of her room, but she also felt helpless.  She had no control over the way things were and she had decided just to live with it.  Why couldn’t Jason just deal with it too?

“Come on Kalle.  Grab your jacket.”

Kalle stole another drink before Jason could take the bottle away from her.  “Where we going?”

“For a walk. You need some fresh air.”  As he said this he took the bottle from her hand and went into the bathroom and poured what was left down the sink.  

Kalle rolled her eyes, but put on her jacket anyway.  She made a big show of putting it on and zipping it up.  She was hoping Jason would grow impatient with her and leave, but he just stood and watched her.  They walked out of the front door of her dorm and turned right toward the park.  Kalle broke the silence first.

“I’m changing my major.”

“Kalle, you can’t do that.”

“Jason, people change their major everyday.  It’s not a big deal.”

“You’re not like other people.  Plus, you love history.  All you’ve ever talked about was becoming a history professor.  You can’t throw that away.”

Kalle sighed.  Jason just didn’t get it.  Remaining a history major put her in danger.  The history building was located right next to the business building.  Andrew was a business major.  It was too much of a risk.

“A job in communications is just as respectable and could be a lot of fun.” 

“Who are you trying to convince? Me or you?” Jason asked as he lit a cigarette.  He offered one to Kalle and she took it. She inhaled deeply and tried not to cough.  Kalle watched the smoke get carried off by the wind and wished that she too could just disappear like that.

She hated letting go of the history department, but since her assault she had seen him twice in the parking lot.  She couldn’t let him hurt her again.

They reached the park and sat down on a bench facing the pond.  Jason and Kalle were the only two people out there.  Even the ducks weren’t around.

“This is what I want Jason.  It’ll be a good change of pace for me.”

 “What’s going on with you Kalle?”

“What do you mean Jason?” Kalle asked.  

“When’s the last time you went to class?”

“Uhh… I think I went to a class last week.”

“When is the last time you ate?”

“Easy. Lunch yesterday.”

“Ok, what about sleep?  When is the last time you slept without falling into an alcohol induced sleep?”

Kalle stared at the pond without really seeing it.  All of Jason’s concerns were valid, but she didn’t want to face these realities.  That’s why she drank, to drown out reality.

“Why are you interrogating me?” Kalle asked angrily.

“Because I care.  Because I don’t like watching you self destruct.”

“Why Jason?  It’s my problem, not yours.”

“It is my problem.  I’m your friend.” Jason said.  They sat in silence staring at the pond.  Kalle didn’t know what to say.  She started to cry.

“Jason, I…” she couldn’t manage more.

He put his arms around Kalle, and held her while she cried.

“Jason, have you ever wanted to die?”

Jason let go of her and grabbed her by the shoulders.  He looked into her eyes and Kalle saw his fear.  “Are you saying you want to kill yourself?”

“Jason, I’m saying I want to die.  I can’t cope with what happened.  When he raped me he took me with him.  I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror.”

“Dying won’t change what happened.”

“No, but maybe when I die I will become my old self.”  Kalle started to cry harder.

“Kalle…” Jason started.

“Jason you know I’m not myself.  It’s unlike me to skip class and not clean up my room.  He changed me and I’ll never be the same.”

“It’s true.  You won’t be totally the same.  The bastard really hurt you and that would understandably change you.  But I know you’re still in there.  He didn’t take all of you.”

“What do you know about it?  He didn’t rape you!”

Jason sighed.  “I know Kalle.  I’ll never totally understand what you’ve been through, but I’m here for you.  

“I know Jason, but I still want all of this to go away.  I want it to all be over.”

Jason shook his head.  Kalle had left him speechless.