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The Journey
2004
Kalle ran. She ran all the way to the edge of the ocean, driven by her past and the need to run from him and his dysfunctional world before she got sucked back in. No matter how much she tried to work through the hurt, anger, grief, and feelings of betrayal, he always found a way to push her back in time by weaseling into her life. Usually in a dream but other times, like today, in real life. This brought back the feelings of despair and lack of self control that she first felt nine years ago.
“I just want him to leave me alone,” Kalle whispered. Her hair swirled around her as the warm ocean air mixed with salt water burned her face. Dark storm clouds were rolling in. The impending storm was causing the waves to become rough. Every so often water would crash up over the jetty, soaking her jeans. She was too lost in her thoughts to notice. What had started out as a normal day had quickly turned to into a nightmare.
***********************************
“You’re kidding me? He said that?” Jamie asked.
Kalle was trying to contain her laughter. She was sitting with Mallory and Jamie, her best girlfriends, at a crowded deli near the mall. The topic of today’s lunch was another one of Mallory’s dating disasters.
“No,” Mallory laughed shaking her head, “he actually told me that if I was a new hamburger at McDonald’s then I’d be a McGorgeous.”
Kalle and Jamie burst out laughing. Poor Mallory had the worst luck. Kalle was glad she didn’t date and just stuck close to her friends. Besides Jamie and Mallory the only other person Kalle really hung out with was her best friend Jason.
“I’m sorry Mal. It could be worse. I’m not really sure how, but I know that can’t be the worst date ever!” Jamie was trying not to laugh as she attempted to soothe Mallory.
Mallory rolled her eyes and took a sip of her tea. “Let’s get outta here.”
They were still laughing about the dumb things men say when Kalle bumped into someone coming in the door.
“Excuse me,” she said. As she spoke she looked up to make eye contact. Her green eyes met his brown ones and she froze. It was him. Pictures of their last encounter swirled through her mind in quick snapshots, each new one dissolving the last.
Pushed into the room.
Squinting from the glow of the television.
Shoved to the floor.
Body exposed.
Ceiling fan spinning.
His weight on top of her.
Recollection flickered across his face and he smiled.
“Well… Hello Kalle. It’s been a long time.” His whole demeanor was of arrogance and intimidation.
Kalle couldn’t speak. She tried to break eye contact, but couldn’t. He smiled while her face was emotionless, not sure what to do, what to think.
“Kalle! What are you doing? We’ve got to get to the mall.”
Finally Kalle was able to break the hold he had on her, at least for the moment. “Coming!” she yelled back as she turned.
“Nice to see you again Kalle. We’ll have to grab a drink sometime and catch up.”
Kalle kept walking focusing only on the blue car in front of her. She quickly climbed in the backseat.
“Who was that?” Jamie asked.
Kalle hesitated to answer. She didn’t talk about what happened to her. She had never even told her family. She had been too ashamed and scared. Jason was the only one that knew. She wanted to forget all about it, but he just kept popping up.
“No one,” she whispered.
“Are you ok?” asked Jamie.
Kalle was far from okay. She was scared. She almost told her friends the whole story so they could protect her, but instead she took a couple of deep breaths, cleared her throat, and lied. “I’m fine. I’m just tired. Do you mind if I take a rain check on the shopping and just go home?”
Kalle saw Jamie and Mallory exchange glances. “Sure,” they answered together. They didn’t press the issue. She knew they wouldn’t. The only person who would is Jason, and he wasn’t here.
Jamie and Mallory dropped Kalle off at her house. Kalle waited until they were out of sight and then hopped in her car. She wasn’t going to let him get to her again.
1995
“You’re wrong Jason.”
Kalle was lying on Jason’s bed, letting her blonde curls spill over the side. She was watching Jason’s feet as they shuffled around the room.
“In the last eleven years when have I ever been wrong?”
Kalle sat up and threw a pillow at him, “Well there was this one time back in seventh grade when you grew your hair long…” She burst into a fit of giggles. She loved Jason. He was her best friend. Unfortunately he was right about not being wrong. Jason was seldom wrong and always seemed to know exactly what Kalle needed.
Jason smiled, “It was the eighties. It wasn’t my fault.”
They laughed.
“Seriously Kalle, you’re going to be bored up here all alone over the weekend.”
Kalle rolled her eyes, “I can’t be the only one not going home this weekend.”
Jason shrugged, “It’s four o’clock and the parking lots are already over fifty percent empty.”
“I don’t get it. Why don’t people want to stay in town on the weekend?”
“It’s a suitcase college Kalle, what do you expect?”
“You know Jason; you could always stay and hang-out with me.”
“I could but Mom is already expecting me. She’s planned a special dinner for tomorrow night. Come with me, we’ll have fun!”
“Thanks, but I really don’t feel like going home this weekend. It’s not that I don’t wanna hang with you and your mom, but I’ve got a few things that I need to do here.”
“What could be more important than an authentic spaghetti dinner?”
“I have a history paper due on Monday and I’m volunteering at the animal shelter tomorrow afternoon. I’ll go home with you next time.”
“Ok, suit yourself. I’ll bring you some leftovers.”
“Awesome!” Kalle walked him to his car and they said their goodbyes. Then she went back to her room to tackle her history paper.
***********************************
By nine o’clock on Saturday night Kalle was well into the middle of her pre-bar ritual. Alanis Morrisette was blaring on her stereo and she was enjoying her second rum and coke. She had decided to go out to 17th Street Bar and unwind after finishing her monster history paper.
When Kalle went to the bar she never had to worry about finding someone 21 to buy for her or risk getting caught with alcohol. She lived right across from the bar and just went back to her dorm when she wanted another drink. Location was everything!
Kalle finished off her drink, grabbed a light jacket and headed out on her way. She was shocked that there was a line since the campus was so empty, but at least it seemed to be moving.
“Hey Kalle!”
She turned around at her name.
“Hi Joe!” They exchanged hugs.
“Hey Drew!” he said turning to the guy standing with him, “This is Kalle. She is in one of my history classes and a member of the Program Council. Kalle, this is Andrew.”
Kalle put out her hand to shake his, but Andrew moved in for a hug.
“Kalle and I are old friends from the Student Government Association,” he said.
Old friends? Kalle got a sick feeling from Andrew. She always had. Her opinion of him worsened after the SGA Christmas party last year. Not only had he chased every female around with mistletoe trying to get kisses, but she’d heard he’d taken home this girl, Morgan, which wasn’t a big deal, but from what she’d heard, Morgan didn’t want to go with him. For all Kalle knew it was just gossip, but he still gave her a bad feeling and she kept her distance.
“Are you here alone?” Joe asked as Kalle pulled away from Andrew.
“Yeah, thought I would venture out on my own tonight considering just about everyone went home for the weekend.”
“Cool. Want to hang with us?”
Of course she did. Kalle thought Joe was really cute. “Sure,” she said.
After an hour and a half and two trips back to her dorm room, Kalle was thoroughly enjoying her night out. She knew a few other people at the bar from classes and such. She laughed. She danced. She had a good time.
“Are you having fun?” Joe asked.
Kalle was really enjoying the attention from Joe. He was a couple of years older and she felt special that he would focus on her all night instead of some of the older girls in the bar.
Kalle smiled, “Yeah. I haven’t been out on a Saturday night in a while. Plus the company is good.” She blushed.
“I hear ya on that one,” he said.
Kalle managed a shy smile before he excused himself. It was time for another beer. She took this as a good time for her to sneak back to her dorm room and have a drink too.
Kalle burst out laughing as she tripped coming out of her room. She had beyond a good buzz and everything was hilarious. Her goal now was to get back to the bar and flirt more with Joe. She was hoping he would ask for her number. She stumbled through the front door and turned toward the bar.
She was brought back to reality when a hand covered her mouth and she was pulled back into the building. At first she thought it was Joe playing around, but when she was pushed into the small TV room off the lobby she knew this wasn’t a game. The only light in the room came from the television. Saturday Night Live was on.
Kalle heard the door shut and the lock snap closed, sealing her fate with the stranger. Her only way out was blocked by the man before her and she couldn’t find her voice to scream. Not that there were many people in the building who would hear her. He walked toward her and stepped into the glow of television and Kalle recognized him right away.
“Andrew,” she said nervously, “what are you doing? We should get back to the bar.”
“I want you Kalle. I always get what I want.”
“Andrew… don’t… no…”
He said nothing else. He just smiled. She shivered and started to cry. Kalle couldn’t find anything to laugh about now. She was scared.
Andrew pushed her onto the floor. In one swift motion he ripped off her shirt and pushed her bra out of the way, exposing her small breasts. Her tears flowed. He fumbled with the button fly on her jeans, but managed to get them undone and pulled down. He pushed her white cotton panties out of the way as he lowered himself down on top of her.
Kalle closed her eyes and started to count, praying for it to be over soon. At around number one hundred and forty-nine he got up and started straightening his clothes. Kalle was all exposed and wanted nothing more than to crawl away and hide, but she felt numb. Andrew bent down, kissed her on the forehead and left.
She waited to make sure he was gone before grabbing her shirt and running to her room. Kalle jumped in the shower and stayed under the hot water until it ran cold. Visions of what just happened spun around her. If it was what she thought it was then how could she have let it happen to her? She should have stopped him, screamed, anything. The more she thought about it the angrier she got with herself.
Kalle couldn’t sleep. All the lights in her room were on, but it wasn’t the brightness that was keeping her awake. She was in shock. She lay in bed and stared at the ceiling tiles for what seemed like hours. Finally she slept, but it was a restless night with many nightmares. Why did this happen to her?
***********************************
It was some time in the afternoon and Kalle was still lying in bed with all the lights on. She wasn’t sure of the exact time because she couldn’t see her clock from her space on the bed, but the sun was shining in through her blinds and she had been listening to the dorm fill back up for a while. The weekend was over and the campus was coming back to life. All Kalle could do was lay there looking at the ceiling tiles trying to make sense of what had happened the night before.
There was a knock at her door, “Kalle! Open up! It’s Jason!”
Kalle didn’t move. She just continued to stare at the ceiling. She didn’t want anyone to know. She didn’t want Jason to know. She didn’t want to know.
“C’mon, open up. I’ve got spaghetti and meatballs.”
Kalle sighed. She wasn’t hungry, but she knew Jason wouldn’t go away. She got up and unlocked the door and lay back down before he came in.
“Hey Kalle!” he said as he came in the room.
“Hi,” she muttered.
“Whatcha still doing in bed? Are you sick?”
Kalle didn’t answer. She didn’t know what to say to him. Part of her wanted to tell him the whole terrible story, but she was embarrassed and scared. She was so overwhelmed with emotions that she didn’t know what to do.
“Ok Kalle, talk to me. I can tell something is wrong.”
She opened her mouth to speak, but all that came out was a sob. She started to cry uncontrollably.
“Kalle, what happened?”
“Jason I think… I mean… Oh…” She couldn’t get the words out between her crying and shaking.
Jason whispered, “Shhh… It’s alright Kalle. I’m here. You can tell me what’s bothering you. I can help you.”
Through her tears she told Jason the whole story. Jason just stared at her. Kalle didn’t know what to think of this reaction, but she kept talking anyway, letting the words tumble out, and revealing each horrid detail. When she finished, the room was silent.
Jason finally spoke, “Did you go to the hospital? The police? What can I do?”
“No, I didn’t tell anyone. I took a long shower and crawled into bed. I don’t want anyone to know.”
“But Kalle, You’ve got to go to the police. You’ve gotta get the asshole put away.”
“Jason, I can’t…”
“Kalle listen to me, first of all you did nothing wrong. There’s nothing you can get in trouble for. You’re the victim. Also, you’re not wrong about what happened. He raped you and needs to go to jail for it.”
Jason’s last few words slapped Kalle across the face. So it was true, she had been raped. This realization sent Kalle into another fit of tears. Jason wrapped his arms around her and held her while she cried.
When she finally spoke her words were soft and slow. “No one can know. I just want to forget about it.”
“Kalle, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Sleep on it. Think about it. You’re gotta tell someone. How about a counselor at the University Counseling Center? Surely they can help you decide what to do.”
“Jason, I’ve already decided. It stays between us.”
“But Kalle…”
She quickly cut him off, “No buts! This happened to me and I want to just move past it. Now where are those meatballs?”
Kalle wasn’t really hungry but she no longer wanted to be the topic of conversation. Although Jason gave her a worried look he took the food out of the bag beside the bed and popped it in the microwave. They ate in silence.
Jason tried to get Kalle to take a walk, but she didn’t want to leave the safety of her room. They sat and watched TV for a bit. Around midnight Jason got up to leave.
“Well I’ve got an early class,” he said.
“Jason, stay here tonight. I didn’t sleep well last night. Maybe with you here…”
“Sure, no problem. Let me run up to my room and grab a few things.”
He wasn’t gone long. When he returned he spread out his sleeping bag and got ready to go to sleep. When he went to turn off the light, Kalle shouted at him.
“No! Leave those on!”
“Everything is going to be ok Kalle,” he said as he lay down on the floor.
“I hope so…” she muttered as she closed her eyes.
2004
Kalle stood on the jetty and began to pace. She was constantly battling these old demons. It was the same struggle over and over again. Her life was spinning out of control. He had ripped Kalle off her destined path and set her on a new course. Kalle had only come up with one way back to peace, but it did not come without a price.
Kalle stopped moving and stared blankly at the gulf, wondering what it felt like to float just under the waves as some fish did. Kalle thought back to her childhood when she believed mermaids were real. What she would give to be able to dive into the gulf and swim with the fishes for an eternity. He couldn’t get to her there.
Kalle knew she could dive into the gulf and get lost in the waves and be safe from him forever, but she would lose so much in the process. Once again he would emerge the winner in this fucked-up game they had been playing since 1995.
Frustration and rage bubbled to the surface as she walked swiftly back and forth on the slick rocks. It amazed her how these feelings could resurface and smack her in the face after all this time.
Kalle was jerked out of her hazy anger when she slipped on the jetty and fell backward. Her feet slipped out from under her and for a split second she floated above the jetty. Before she could think of a way to ease her fall gravity took over and she landed with a thud. The impact of Kalle’s skull hitting the rocks was blinding. Both elbows slammed into the jetty shooting pain throughout her body. She lay sprawled out, rough ocean waves reaching up to touch her. The spray from the gulf stung her fresh cuts and scrapes. Each time the waves crashed against the jetty her skin burned.
The wind blew harder bringing in more dark clouds. Kalle suddenly felt scared.
When she first tried to move she couldn’t. She felt like her brain had lost communication with her body. After several attempts Kalle managed to prop herself up on her elbows. Small bits of rock and sand ground into her raw skin. Reflexively she put her hands behind her and pushed herself into a sitting position. The whole world seemed to shake back and forth. Her head felt like it was ready to split in two. She turned toward shore, wincing at the stiffness in her neck and the pounding in her head. Her eyes could not focus and all she saw were the blurred lights from the street, which seemed miles away.
Kalle turned back toward the gulf with tears streaming down her face. She was in so much pain and did not know what to do. She wanted to go home and crawl into her warm bed and sleep away the memories of this night and the one from nine years ago, but she felt that it was physically impossible. Kalle took a deep breath and tried to stand, but the dizziness was overwhelming and her legs did not seem to want to hold her weight. She fell down into a sitting position, shaking. High tide would be along soon, not to mention the approaching storm. Kalle decided to accept defeat and eased down until she was lying against the cool rocks once again.
Suddenly the air got very still. The rain came slowly at first. Small drops fell on Kalle. They felt warm and fresh compared to the brutal salt water. It didn’t take long for the intensity of the storm to pick up. The rain started falling in huge droplets, pelting Kalle in the face. She closed her eyes and thanked the rain for intervening. Before long the tide would rise, and the waves would wrap around her to carry her off to sea. Freedom would finally be hers.
1995
Kalle took another drink. The alcohol no longer burned going down and she was starting to feel numb, which is exactly what she wanted. She reached for the bottle but before she could pour another drink there was a knock at the door.
“Who… Who is it?” Kalle stuttered.
“Kalle? It’s me, Jason.”
She rolled her eyes and took a swig straight from the bottle. “What do you want?”
“Just wanted to see what you were up to.”
“Unfortunately, I’m still here, breathing away.”
“Don’t say stuff like that Kalle. Now, let me in!”
Kalle couldn’t figure out why Jason had been so insistent with her these days. She downed another shot and unlocked the door. Her eyes squinted at the contrast between the bright hallway and her dark dorm room. Jason stood in the doorway with concern covering his face. Kalle just wanted to be left alone so she could become totally numb and possibly get some sleep.
“Are you drinking again?” Jason asked.
“Is the sky blue?” Kalle snapped back.
Jason sighed and looked around the room. Kalle knew what he saw. She had been sitting virtually in the dark. She had the bathroom light on and there was a small stream of light coming from under the door. There were fast food bags and containers crumpled on the floor. Clothes were everywhere. Kalle felt embarrassed by the state of her room, but she also felt helpless. She had no control over the way things were and she had decided just to live with it. Why couldn’t Jason just deal with it too?
“Come on Kalle. Grab your jacket.”
Kalle stole another drink before Jason could take the bottle away from her. “Where we going?”
“For a walk. You need some fresh air.” As he said this he took the bottle from her hand and went into the bathroom and poured what was left down the sink.
Kalle rolled her eyes, but put on her jacket anyway. She made a big show of putting it on and zipping it up. She was hoping Jason would grow impatient with her and leave, but he just stood and watched her. They walked out of the front door of her dorm and turned right toward the park. Kalle broke the silence first.
“I’m changing my major.”
“Kalle, you can’t do that.”
“Jason, people change their major everyday. It’s not a big deal.”
“You’re not like other people. Plus, you love history. All you’ve ever talked about was becoming a history professor. You can’t throw that away.”
Kalle sighed. Jason just didn’t get it. Remaining a history major put her in danger. The history building was located right next to the business building. Andrew was a business major. It was too much of a risk.
“A job in communications is just as respectable and could be a lot of fun.”
“Who are you trying to convince? Me or you?” Jason asked as he lit a cigarette. He offered one to Kalle and she took it. She inhaled deeply and tried not to cough. Kalle watched the smoke get carried off by the wind and wished that she too could just disappear like that.
She hated letting go of the history department, but since her assault she had seen him twice in the parking lot. She couldn’t let him hurt her again.
They reached the park and sat down on a bench facing the pond. Jason and Kalle were the only two people out there. Even the ducks weren’t around.
“This is what I want Jason. It’ll be a good change of pace for me.”
“What’s going on with you Kalle?”
“What do you mean Jason?” Kalle asked.
“When’s the last time you went to class?”
“Uhh… I think I went to a class last week.”
“When is the last time you ate?”
“Easy. Lunch yesterday.”
“Ok, what about sleep? When is the last time you slept without falling into an alcohol induced sleep?”
Kalle stared at the pond without really seeing it. All of Jason’s concerns were valid, but she didn’t want to face these realities. That’s why she drank, to drown out reality.
“Why are you interrogating me?” Kalle asked angrily.
“Because I care. Because I don’t like watching you self destruct.”
“Why Jason? It’s my problem, not yours.”
“It is my problem. I’m your friend.” Jason said. They sat in silence staring at the pond. Kalle didn’t know what to say. She started to cry.
“Jason, I…” she couldn’t manage more.
He put his arms around Kalle, and held her while she cried.
“Jason, have you ever wanted to die?”
Jason let go of her and grabbed her by the shoulders. He looked into her eyes and Kalle saw his fear. “Are you saying you want to kill yourself?”
“Jason, I’m saying I want to die. I can’t cope with what happened. When he raped me he took me with him. I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror.”
“Dying won’t change what happened.”
“No, but maybe when I die I will become my old self.” Kalle started to cry harder.
“Kalle…” Jason started.
“Jason you know I’m not myself. It’s unlike me to skip class and not clean up my room. He changed me and I’ll never be the same.”
“It’s true. You won’t be totally the same. The bastard really hurt you and that would understandably change you. But I know you’re still in there. He didn’t take all of you.”
“What do you know about it? He didn’t rape you!”
Jason sighed. “I know Kalle. I’ll never totally understand what you’ve been through, but I’m here for you.
“I know Jason, but I still want all of this to go away. I want it to all be over.”
Jason shook his head. Kalle had left him speechless.
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