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2004
“Kalle would run off during a storm,” Jason muttered to himself as he carefully turned left onto Sea Wall Blvd.
The storm was slacking off some, but Jason noticed more dark clouds moving in. The ride between Houston and Galveston had not been easy and he knew that he had to find Kalle so they could make it home before the roads flooded.
He drove along the sea wall with the gulf to his right, cursing Kalle for doing this to him. They had a weekly smoothie date and she hadn’t shown. When he went to her apartment and it was empty Jason jumped in his car and headed toward the coast, knowing that Kalle always ran to the beach when she was upset. This wasn’t the first time he had chased her to Galveston. In fact they had spent many hours staring at the waves and talking about Kalle’s rape since it happened.
1997
Jason drove slowly down Sea Wall Blvd. looking for Kalle’s car. It was late on a random October night and Kalle hadn’t come home. Although he had graduated in May, they were still sharing an apartment in their small college town waiting for Kalle to finish school. When Kalle wasn’t home by nine o’clock he checked the Communications building and the library, but no one had seen her. The only thing to do was to buy gas, a fresh pack of cigarettes, and a Mountain Dew. It was going to be a long night.
“There she is…” Jason pulled in right behind her car and grabbed a light jacket out of the backseat. He took the stairs down to the beach and walked toward Kalle. She looked so small with her knees drawn up to her chest. Her hair was tied back, but some of the smaller strands around her face had come lose and they swirled in the breeze. As he got closer, Jason could see that Kalle was crying. He stood back and watched her for a minute as she stared at the waves crashing on the shore. Jason thought that she looked so lost and he just didn’t know how to find her.
“Hey,” he said sitting down beside her on the sand. He draped his jacked over her shoulders and handed her a 20 oz drink, “I brought you a Sprite.”
“Thanks,” she muttered. She set the bottle down in the sand unopened. She never took her eyes off the gulf.
“Kalle, I’m worried about you,” Jason said as he lit a cigarette.
“I’m okay…”
“Obviously not! If you were okay, then we wouldn’t be sitting here.”
“I guess you’re right, but I’m perfectly fine sitting here alone.”
Jason ignored her. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”
Kalle sighed. Jason waited.
“I had a dream last night that he came back.”
“He’s not coming back.”
“You don’t know that.”
Jason put out his cigarette in the sand. “You’re right Kalle. I don’t know that. I don’t know much about what you’re going through. I don’t understand what you’re feeling and I’ll never be able to relate. I do know this: you’re too strong to let him hurt you again.
“It’s been two years and I’m still afraid of sleeping with the lights off. That’s weakness.”
“Kalle, you’re very strong. Why don’t you think so?”
“If I am so strong, then why was I raped in the first place?”
Jason lit another cigarette. He saw the seriousness of Kalle’s question in the flicker of his lighter. She really wanted to know why and he didn’t have an answer for her. “Kalle, you know that no one has that answer, but it’s not…”
“I know, I know. It’s not my fault. I didn’t ask for it to happen and I shouldn’t blame myself.”
Jason smiled, “Good girl!”
Kalle managed a smile.
“But Jason, I don’t really believe any of that. It’s all bullshit!”
“How so?”
“I haven’t quite figured that out yet, but I did something wrong, something that let him think it was okay.”
“That’s ridiculous!”
“No Jason, it’s not. Why else would he think it was ok to rape me?”
Jason put out his cigarette and focused on the water for a few minutes. Kalle was so fragile and he wanted to say the right things.
“Because he’s a sick person. It’s his issue, his problems that led up to it. You can’t blame yourself.”
“You sound like a textbook. That is the standard ‘what to tell a rape victim’ answer.”
“Have you given any more thought to therapy,” Jason asked.
“There’s no point. It can’t be changed. I’ll still be this poor, little rape victim. I hate myself.”
“Kalle…” Jason trailed off. He had done everything he could these last two years to be there for her and help her through this. He had even gone to some group counseling sessions for families and friends of victims. Kalle refused to tell anyone so that left Jason with a huge responsibility. He didn’t know how much more he could handle.
“Kalle, you’re too close to graduation to let this destroy you. Look how far you’re made it! It’s been two years and you are getting stronger each day. That’s how you’ve gotta look at it. Find the positives!”
“Jason you are so black and white. What about the gray areas? What about how all this makes me feel?”
“That’s why I think therapy would be good for you. I think if you talked to someone who was experienced with dealing with this type of crisis that you would be able to cope better.”
“I don’t want to bring someone else into my life and relive the whole thing with them.”
“It might help you.”
“It may send me spiraling back into a drunken stupor. I don’t want to start all over. I’m healing.”
“If you were healing then… Never mind…” Jason trailed off again. He was really frustrated. “What will it take for me to get you to come home with me tonight?”
Jason watch Kalle shrug. He took out another cigarette and lit it.
“C’mon, let’s go,” he stood up and put out his hand.
Kalle just looked up at him making no effort to move.
“C’mon,” he repeated.
She took his hand and he pulled her into a standing position. He led her down the beach. They walked in silence for a while.
“Kalle, you’re getting ready to graduate and start your career. You’ll meet new people. He’ll become just a distant memory, a bad guy you knew from college.”
“I don’t want him to be any part of me, even if it is just a distant memory.”
“I know and I understand that.”
“So what do I do?”
Jason thought about how to answer this. He just wanted to get her off the beach and home. He was tired and he could tell that she was exhausted. They both needed a good night’s sleep.
“You persevere. You focus on the good and push away the bad.”
Kalle sighed, “I’ll do my best.”
“That’s all you can do. Now let’s go home.”
“Ok, I’ll follow you,” she said as they walked toward their cars.
Jason was relieved. He had once again saved Kalle.
2004
He spotted her car and pulled over, cursing her for her impulsive behavior. She knew that Jason would listen and he didn’t know why Kalle always had to run. From the sand he spotted a dark figure laying on one of the jetties. He jogged down to the water and carefully made his way out on the rocks.
Jason looked down at Kalle. He sucked in his breath as he saw all the bumps, bruises, scratches and traces of blood that covered Kalle. What had she done to herself?
“Kalle? What the hell happened?”
Her eyes appeared empty as she stared up at the sky. Jason didn’t know what to do.
“You’re bleeding Kalle. Say something… Let me take you to the hospital.” Jason reached for her.
Kalle sighed, “Just leave me alone.”
“Let me help you.”
Jason watched as Kalle struggled to sit up. “Jason, go home! I’m waiting for high tide to carry me away.”
“Kalle, I won’t leave you here. Give me your hand.” Jason pleaded as he reached out his hand.
She moved her sad eyes from his face, to his outstretched hand, and back to his face. Jason knew that Kalle would wait to see exactly what he would do. This was one time when he had no idea.
Jason looked out at the gulf. The end of the jetty, which was just a few feet away, was already covered with water. The white foam of the waves crashed against the rocks. Jason saw the clouds moving in the dark sky above. The rain stopped and he closed the umbrella, trying to plan his next move.
“Kalle, the water is rising and more rain is coming. We can go sit in my car where it is warm. I’m not leaving until we talk.”
Kalle heaved a big sigh and took his hand. He helped her stand, listened to her moan with each step, and managed to get them near the sand. Kalle stopped and Jason knew this was as far as she was going. He didn’t like it, but it was better than sitting out on that jetty. He eased her onto the rocks, a bit dryer without the constant crash of waves. Jason sat down beside her. They stared at the gulf.
“Want one?” Jason asked as he held out a pack of cigarettes. Kalle shook her head. Jason lit his cigarette and took a long drag.
“You’re not going to believe what happened at work this morning. I brought Starbucks in for everyone and instead of being thankful Ben complained that I brought him the wrong size. He’s such a jerk.”
Kalle sighed, “Jason…”
“Well he is. He’s threatened by me. He may be higher up, but he knows I’m smarter.”
“Why do you do this?”
“Do what? You didn’t show up at the smoothie place and I need to vent about my day. I’m kind of aggravated about having to drive all this way to complain about the arrogant weasel.”
“Jason, just leave me alone and let me die.”
Jason took a final drag and rubbed the glowing end of the cigarette on the rock. They sat in silence for a while. A light drizzle fell and the wind continued to swirl around them.
“Kalle, giving up is the easy way out and you never take the easy way. Why would you start now?”
“Jason, I ran into him today. It’s just a matter of time before he comes for me again. The only way to escape him is to end my life.”
“How many times have I told you that you’re in control? He can’t hurt you again as long as you believe that you’re in control. Ending your life won’t change what happened to you.”
“I know that Jason. But you’re wrong. I’m not in control and he could show up at any moment and rape me again.”
Jason lit another cigarette. He was getting annoyed. “Stop playing the victim Kalle.”
“What? Playing the victim? I am a victim! He raped me or did you forget that? I didn’t deserve it nor ask for it. How can you sit here and tell me that I’m playing the victim? You were there…”
Jason cut her off. “Kalle I never said you deserved it and I know how terrible the experience was for you. I still want to kill the bastard, but you can’t carry that hurt and anger for the rest of your life. It’ll…” he trailed off.
“Kill me?” Kalle laughed sarcastically.
“You have to let it go. Move past it. Persevere.”
“What do you know about it Jason?”
What did he know about it? He loved her, but Kalle really made him mad sometimes. She was trapped in the center of her own world and had a hard time seeing outside of what she knew. She became more withdrawn after her rape, but she’d always needed help seeing outside herself.
He put out his cigarette. “Kalle, unfortunately many women have been raped and hurt physically, but they choose to rise above and not let their circumstances destroy them.”
“Jason, it’s not a choice. If it was I wouldn’t believe this was my only way to protect myself from him.”
“Kalle you choose to believe that,” he said lighting another cigarette. He usually didn’t chain smoke, but he was so aggravated. When would this cycle end? When would she realize she could get on with her life?
Kalle’s face turned red, “Bullshit! Just go home and leave me the hell alone! I don’t need you!”
Jason didn’t answer. She did need him and they both knew it. It was time for him to finally share his story with her.
“Kalle, do you remember when my mom and I moved to town?”
“Yes, you were in my 5th grade class. You started a couple of weeks into school. You were very quiet. What does that have to do with anything?”
“If my mom had chosen to remain a victim then you never would have met me.”
Kalle stared at him, mouth open. He had her attention.
1987
Jason pumped his legs as fast as they would go. His mom had told him to be home by 5:30 PM. He was running late and wanted to avoid getting grounded.
As he rounded the corner he slammed on the brakes. There were two police cars in the front of his house. Their red and blue lights were flashing. Had his mother called the police because Jason was late? He started to sweat more, expecting something worse than getting grounded.
He left his bike on its side laying in the yard. He ran through the open front door. “Mom! I’m home!” There was no answer.
“Mom?” Jason walked to the back of the house towards the kitchen. He heard his mother and two voices he didn’t recognize.
“Mrs. Martin, please tell us about this morning. What do you remember about Mr. Martin’s state of mind?”
Jason crept into the kitchen. His mom was sitting at the cluttered table. Her eyes were red and puffy. She was looking down at her hands. She didn’t notice Jason, but one of the officers did. “Excuse me, Mrs. Martin…” the red-faced officered gestured toward Jason.
His mother looked up and sprang from her chair. She hugged Jason close. “Oh, Jason…”
“I’m sorry I’m late. Please don’t let them take me away.”
“Take you away?”
“For being late. I’m sorry. I lost track of…”
“No Jason. The police aren’t here because you are late,” she hesitated, “There’s been an accident.”
“An accident?”
“Your father… He…”
Jason looked at his mother and at the two policemen. Something bad had happened to his dad. Tears welled up in his eyes.
“Your father is dead Jason,” she said crying.
Dead? How could his dad be dead? They just had breakfast together that morning. They talked about catching an Astros game over the weekend? How could his dad be dead?
“What happened?”
His mom glanced at the police officers.
“There was an accident Jason. The police are looking into it. That’s why they are here.”
Jason didn’t like the sound of that. “What kind of accident?”
Jason’s mom glanced at the officers again. “Sit down honey,” Jason’s mom gestured toward the kitchen table. “The police found your father’s car parked under an overpass. He was inside. He had been shot.”
“Who would do that to dad?”
“Honey, the police think he shot himself…”
“What? Shot himself? Dad would never do that!”
Jason’s mother started to cry. Jason started to cry. One of the police officers cleared his throat, “Ma’am we’ll come back later. We have some more questions for you, but we’ll give you some time with your boy.” The officers walked out of the kitchen whispering to each other. Jason heard, “It’s a damn shame.” He clung to his mother weeping for his dad.
“Why mom? Why?”
“I don’t know honey. I’m just as shocked as you are.”
Jason looked around the kitchen. He couldn’t believe this was happening. He wanted to rewind to that morning and give his dad a big hug. He wanted to tell him he loved him. He wanted this all to be a nightmare.
********
Jason kicked off the covers and leapt out of bed. He thought for sure yesterday had been a bad dream. He ran to his parents’ bedroom looking for hid dad. No one was there. The bed was made. Perhaps his parents were having breakfast.
He crept down stairs, listening intently for any sign of his dad. There weren’t any. He was beginning to worry.
He went to the kitchen. His mom was on the phone and didn’t notice him.
“Jason is doing ok I think he’s in shock. I am too,” he heard his mom say.
“No. I couldn’t sleep last night. I stayed in Bill’s office going through his papers.”
“No I didn’t find anything.”
Jason wondered what his mom was looking for.
“I’m going to the office today to see if I can find anything there.”
Jason coughed and his mom looked up “I’ve got to go Mom. Jason is up. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Can I get you some cereal honey?”
“I guess dad is really dead,” Jason muttered.
“Come here honey,” his mom said. She hugged him close, “I know you’re sad. I am too. It’s hard to believe this happened.”
Jason didn’t answer.
“Let me get you some cereal. I think you’ll feel better if you eat something…”
“Why’d he do it Mama?” Jason looked at his mom with expectant eyes. He wanted nothing more than an answer. One that made sense of this awful day.
“I don’t’ know honey?”
“What do you mean? You should know!”
“I’m trying to figure that out.”
“Dad was a great man. I can’t believe he’d ever kill himself.”
Jason watched his mother’s face crumble. She started to cry. “Jason he was a great man. I don’t know why he did this. I promise you I will find out!”
********
Jason was lying on the couch staring at the TV when his mom came home. He wasn’t really paying attention to it. The noise was comforting, but all he could think about was his dad.
His mom rushed in and threw down her purse on the bench by the door. This was unlike her. She hated for stuff to be piled on the bench. She headed straight for the kitchen. Jason got up off the couch and followed her. “Mom?”
His mom took a casserole out of the refrigerator. It was one of many that had been delivered in the past twenty-four hours.
“Mom? What happened at Dad’s office?”
His mother put the casserole in the oven and took some lettuce out of the fridge.
“Mom!” he said louder.
“Huh?” she seemed confused.
“What happened at Dad’s office?”
“Nothing honey.” He didn’t believe her.
“You didn’t find out why he killed himself?”
She hesitated, “No…”
“Mom, tell me what happened.”
“It’s complicated, grown-up stuff Jason.”
“I can handle it. I’m eleven years old.”
“Eleven is still too young to understand this Jason.”
Jason started to cry. I just wanna know why my daddy killed himself. I wanna know why he’s not here anymore. Please tell me.”
“Jason, even if I know why we’ll never really understand why this happened. It’s a complicated situation. Even if I simplify it for you, it will just be more confusing.”
“That doesn’t make sense mom.”
“None of this does…”
2004
Kalle shook her head in disbelief, “I don’t get it Jason. How was your mom a victim?”
“He blamed her Kalle. She had to get over the fact that he said it was all her fault.”
“It’s not the same Jason. He took a piece of me when he raped me.”
“My dad took a chunk of my mom when he killed himself. I know it’s not the same, but it’s still a loss she had to work through.”
“How do you know he blamed her? How did she know?”
“He left a note. She found it that day at his office. I saw it years later when I was nosing around my mom’s office. I’m not sure why she kept the horrible thing, but she did.”
“Why didn’t she tell you about it right away?”
“She didn’t want me to blame her. She wanted me to love the parent I had left and not resent her.”
“How did you feel when you found it?”
“I was angry at her for not telling me, but I didn’t blame her. It had been a few years since his death and I was still mad at him for leaving me. No matter what he said, he made a choice to end his life.”
“That’s very mature for a teenager.”
“It took a while to get to that. I just couldn’t blame my mom. She was all I had left.”
Kalle’s body heaved a huge sigh. “I’m not you or your mom Jason.”
“That’s a good thing,” he laughed, “Kalle, you’re just as strong. If my mom could survive my dad’s suicide and work through it all, you too can persevere.”
“Jason, I…”
“I won’t accept anything else from you. Look at the big picture. Find the positive. You lived to tell about it. You survived! Find that within.”
“I… I…” Kalle started to cry.
Jason put his arm around her and carefully pulled her close. Her head felt heavy on his shoulder, but he held her and let her cry. He stared at the gulf thinking about his dad and feeling a sense of loss. Jason missed growing up with a father.
“It won’t be easy Jason.”
“Nothing worth having is.”
“I don’t know if I can do it. He is too much a part of me. I am thankful you shared your story with me. Not only because it is inspiring, but because you’re my best friend and I never knew…”
“You never knew because I don’t let it rule my life. Neither does my mom. We rose above it. I am here for you.”
“How do I rise above?”
Jason noticed that Kalle’s eyes still glistened with tears, but she no longer seemed lost. She was coming back to him.
“That’s up to you, but first you need to change your thinking. You are not a victim, you are a survivor. Tell yourself this until you believe that he can’t hurt you again.”
“When did you get so smart?”
Jason put out his cigarette. “When my dad put a bullet in his head…”
“Jason… I…”
“Don’t Kalle. It’s ok. Now, let me take you to a hospital.”
**********
Kalle drifted between awake and sleep. When she was conscious she watched the signs along I45 as they zoomed toward home. Jason didn’t say anything. Neither did she. She felt like she had been run over, twice. At the same time, she felt stronger.
It felt like days since she’d sat on the jetty. In real time it was just four hours. Although the hospital wait hadn’t been that bad, Kalle was both physically and emotionally exhausted and needed to get home. There were important things on her agenda.
She turned the key in the lock and pushed the door open with more force than was needed. She threw her purse and keys to the floor and kicked the door shut, forgetting about Jason. She dashed in, turning on lights and undressing on the way to her bedroom.
She smelled like salt water and her body ached. A hot shower would be heaven, but she had something else on the agenda. As she reached for her robe on the back of the bathroom door she saw her reflection in the mirror. She almost did not recognize herself. Her usually neat hair was frizzy and matted with salt water and dried blood. She winced as she tried to smooth it down, remembering the huge bump on her head. Her face was red and puffy, especially around her eyes. Specks of dry blood covered her neck, arms, and legs. She looked like she had just emerged from a battlefield. As she stared at her reflection she could feel the tears well up in her eyes. She took a deep breath and reminded herself of the task at hand and pushed all thoughts of her appearance out of her mind.
Her mind spun with thoughts of her experience on the jetty. She was not sure what was real and what wasn’t, but she knew that she was moving forward in the right direction.
She sat down at her computer and opened a new document. A blank page was stared back at her. Her palms got sweaty and her heart started to race. It was apparent to her that her heart was moving two times as fast as the cursor on the blank page in front of her. She wiped her hands on her plush robe and touched her fingertips to the keyboard and took a deep breath. Her hands shook as she typed the first couple of words. She kept making mistakes and hitting backspace, needing this endeavor to be perfect. With each stroke her breathing evened out and the movements became easier. The words started to flow from within to the screen.
She leaned back in her chair and studied what she had written.
My name is Kalle. I refuse to be a victim anymore. I am a survivor. This life is mine and no one can take that away. I am strong. My past is part of me, but not all of me. He won only one battle, but I have won the war! I am a survivor!
Smiling with satisfaction she hit the print button and watched as each line she had written became a piece of reality. She removed the paper from her printer and studied it closely. Tears welled up in her eyes again. Not because of what she wrote, but because of the pride she felt. She had taken back control and it felt so good. She commanded the computer print ten more.
She jumped up from her chair. There was something exhilarating about this sense of closure she felt, and she was unable to sit still. She paced around her room listening to the rhythmic sound of the printer shooting out her declaration of independence. Kalle suddenly remembered Jason. She went out to the living room.
“Jason?”
He was on the couch flipping through the channels. At the sound of Kalle’s voice he turned off the TV. “I’m here Kalle.”
“Thank you Jason. You saved my life.”
“Don’t mention it Kalle. That’s what I’m here for. Do you want me to sleep on the couch tonight?”
“No Jason. I think I’m going to be ok. In the morning I’m going to call someone who specializes in rape counseling so I can work through all these feelings.”
“That’s great Kalle. I’ll be by you every step of the way. So will your friends and family, if you decide to tell them.”
Kalle thought for a moment. Jason was the only one in her life that knew. Letting others in was a scary thought, but she needed their help if she was going to stop being a victim. “Yeah, I think it’s time I let everyone else in.”
Kalle thought for a couple of minutes and added, “I think I’m also going to report Andrew to the police. He shouldn’t get away with this.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yes. I only have a little time left to press charges. I may as well and see what happens.”
“I’m proud of you girl. Good night Kalle. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
They hugged goodbye and Kalle shut off all the lights in her apartment and went to sleep.
Glad you finished it!! Good ending.
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